this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
