No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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