I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
