God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Your cock deserves a montage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
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