He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
