mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
