dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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