so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there was a trapeze. enough said
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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