What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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