she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
In other news, I just burned my penis
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
