I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found puke in my bra..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
