wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
