i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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