I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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