she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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