My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
