Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
