I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
