I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
