Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
