i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
