The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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