Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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