I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
