HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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