Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
