Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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