I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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