On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't deserve a penis
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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