The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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