I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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