Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
