Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
