dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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