Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
