ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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