mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
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2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
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It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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