In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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