On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
