i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
