booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
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On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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