i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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