you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
