I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's shark week go big or go home
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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