just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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