I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
