Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
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I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize