You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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