i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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