Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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