It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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