I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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