and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
