6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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